When I fly, I don’t talk with the person next to me. I sit quietly and read a book while they sit quietly and watch a video, just as God ordained airline travel to be. But every once in a while, I accidentally slip into a conversation that causes me to question my silent-flying philosophy.
A few years ago, I flew home from a Hearing God Conference in Colorado. The man next to me asked me if I was in Colorado for business or pleasure. [When I do have airplane conversations, I never initiate them.] I told him about the conference, and he asked me what I thought about divorce. Because his marriage was a mess.
As a kid, he had dreamt of a marriage in which his wife was his best friend. He craved intimacy where he could talk about anything, or union with a woman who completely knew his heart.
Instead, his wife was more pragmatic than relational, and their discussions were more practical than romantic. His marriage felt more like duty than intimacy. Besides, he stunk at household chores.
Despite thirteen years of marriage and two kids, he felt divorce was the only option, because (and I quote): “She doesn’t know how to love my heart.”
Needs or Gifts
My airline companion perfectly illustrates what western people think: our lives revolve around what we think we most need. We think our “needs” are necessary to life and we desperately try to fulfill them.
And I’m don’t mean bad things, I’m talking about the very best things. Talk with any therapist about your unhappiness. Depending on their school of thought, they will help you discern your greatest hunger and help you satisfy it:
- Some say our greatest need is our next breath (or food, shelter, or health);
- Some say our greatest need is romance, deep personal relationships, or intimacy;
- And some say our greatest need is achievement, significance, or purpose.
Everyone has some area of dissatisfaction: some have great marriages but bad jobs, some have great jobs but poor health, and some have terrific bodies but empty bank accounts.
We think, “If I just had that, I would be happy.”
The problem with all these need-philosophies is they do not understand the brokenness of the human heart. Because once every hundred years, somebody does have every need fulfilled, and they are still unhappy.
King Solomon had all the sex and romance he could handle, plus money, property, reputation, security, purpose, and achievements. And his life was still empty. “All is nothingness.”
When we first think we need these things, we soon believe we are owed them; and in that entitlement mindset, we insatiably claim them as our right. But if we see that their fulfillment is an undeserved blessing—just a gift—we can ask but not insist.
Because blessings are wonderful gifts, but they are the worst of gods.
Only One Thing Is Needed
Ever since the fall, human life has been broken. We’ve lost the paradise of security, health, and close romantic relationships. (Remember how quickly Adam blamed his wife for all his problems?)
In the absence of these good gifts, we let filling their barrenness become our god. We moan and lie to ourselves: “If only I had ‘X.’”
Tired from a long weekend, sitting quietly on a plane bound for Detroit, I thought I only needed some alone-time and a good book. God thought I needed to be awakened from the enchantment of a needs-based theology, so he sat me next to a selfish man who demanded his wife “love him better.”
I felt God say, “He’s not an airline companion in the next seat. He’s a mirror.”
Freud said we are hungry for love; Jung said we are hungry for security; and Adler said we are hungry for significance. The gospel says we are hungry for God.
Sam
Why Are We So Afraid to Admit Our Doubts?
That is such truth! Thank you Sam!
Amen to your reflections on a plane! I just returned home on a plane from a younger family member’s wedding, and was contemplating how happy they both were—in love with Jesus and each other. And in my “mature” perspective, there is a long journey with highs and lows abounding ahead of them. 🙂 With Fernando Ortega I sing in my heart—Give me Jesus! You can have all this world, but give me Jesus.
My lifetime motivation was to find 1 person for whom I was a priority. I analyzed every way to increase the odds. How intense? Start w learning 5 languages—> a way to meet more people right? Learning, achieving, family, volunteering, philanthropy….
International travel & jobs ….no matter where u go….there u are.
At 75….no luck. Yet famous ministers say “we were designed for relationships.
Trying to stop trying ….very hard.
It is hard to look back on a lifetime & in the end say “no. You couldn’t achieve the dream. You were born and shall die unloved.”
Realizing this is a really big club has given me compassion- but the empty space is what it is.
The remaining years? To achieve what the experts say cannot be….to love from an empty well. Each day – that’s the task
Read John Piper’s book, “Future Grace,” and discover how grace is not only God’s undeserved gift to us in the past, but also God’s power to make good happen for us today, tomorrow, and forever. The true life for the follower of Jesus really is a moment-by-moment trust that God is dependable, and fulfills His promises. This is living by faith in Future Grace, which provides God’s mercy, provision, and wisdom—everything we need—to accomplish His good plans for us—every minute of every day. When we grasp these truths, our daily struggles may well fade into the background.
Amen to the quote above—Future Grace is one of my go to’s. In the book, Piper defines faith, in part, as ‘being satisfied in all that God is for us in Jesus’. Jesus is the only one who can truly satisfy our hungry hearts (John 4:13-14). All else is striving after wind. To Him be the glory!!
Samuel, this is SUBERB. I, too, love solitude when I fly TO (a conference), [I’m praying over the Conference], and FROM [I’m Debriefing, and “Chillaxin'”… I.O.W., weary.]. However, there have been several times when I have had those prioritized INTERRUPTIONS, “Divine Appointments.” I have always enjoyed the results. They have fed me; they have strengthened both the passenger and myself and they were needed, although I did”t see it coming, although I am exceedingly social, as all know.
Your article, wisdom, and insight are a reminder to be open to God’s “NEXT.”
“Because blessings are wonderful gifts, but they are the worst of gods.” Wow! Hitting the nail on the head here. What are we chasing after… What do we imagine will at last bring us contentment? Even worse, what do we do when we finally reach the promised land and we still have to deal with problems and discontent? God brought Israel out of Egypt to invite them to experience community and communion with Him. We only have to read the book of Judges to see that they preferred communion with the gifts rather than the giver. Praise God for His unfailing forgiveness and grace in saving us from the “foreign gods” of ourselves. Thanks for the reminder, as always, Sam.
Great insight, Sam! Thanks.
The Kingdom is for those who know they are poor in spirit and hungry and thirsty for righteousness.