During my sophomore year at university, I met a freshman new to college life. His dad was a business-exec in a wealthy suburban neighborhood; my dad was the pastor of a poor church in a dodgy Detroit neighborhood. He studied performance violin; I studied physics.
His dad frequently traveled; my dad never missed family dinner. His older sisters taught him boys were naughty, and to flee from danger and dirt. My older brothers taught me that boys are fun, and that nothing is more fun than a set of bloody elbows and a pair of muddy trousers.
Nevertheless, a deep friendship was born. We played in racquetball matches, performed together in several small concerts, and sailed the Great Lakes. He asked my opinion when he switched majors from violin to computer science, and he gave me good advice when I switched from physics to history.
After school, we worked together for a few years. Then he took a job in Latin America and later in Europe. We saw each other infrequently, but our friendship always resurrected instantly.
After an absence of seven years, we met again a month ago, but he seemed distant and our former friendship felt aborted. We stumbled through family narratives, and we parted cordially. I emailed him the next day and suggested we not wait another seven years.
He didn’t respond.
Surprised by Tears
Three weeks after that depressing lunch, he finally responded to my email, beginning, “I couldn’t bring this up at lunch because I would have bawled like a baby.” Then he wrote,
When I first met you, I was not very masculine and desperately needed masculine role-models and friends. You became both. You showed me what it meant to be masculine and virtuous at the same time.
You could’ve just said, “That wimpy kid is a lost cause, don’t waste time on him,” but you didn’t. You pushed me in directions that helped me become the man I am.
I am incredibly grateful to you. You have no idea how much. I realize what a blessing you were in my life and I’ve never thanked you for being there as a friend, a mentor, and a brother.
I don’t tell you this story to share the impact of my life: I write it to show the impact of yours.
The Very Best Fruit
Every human being wants their life to matter. We consciously try to leave the world a better place; when the greatest fruit of our lives is always born unnoticed. But only by us. I was completely unaware of any impact my life had on my friend. If I listed the top hundred ways I may have influenced the world for good, his name would never have entered my mind.
I thought he was “just a friend.”
The Gospel of John explains the secret to a fruitful life: Abide in Christ. Oh, we work hard to build a legacy or leave an impact, but we will always be unaware of our greatest fruit, because God himself bears it through us. Our efforts are good; his efforts are longer lasting.
God’s way is better, it leaves no room for us to conceive self-conceit. Yes, let us consciously bring all the good we can to the world; but even more so, let us rejoice in the life of God in us. For he can do through us far more than we can ask or even imagine.
The fruit of Abraham’s life was not his conscious work conceiving Ishmael but the supernatural work of God in birthing Isaac.
There I was at lunch thinking my friend was cold and distant, when all the time he was near to tears. It never dawned on me. I never sensed it. I was ignorant. And when I read his email, I wept.
Boys may be fun, but their heads are very thick.
Sam
To nurture the life of God in us, who bears fruit through us even in our ignorance, I suggest you read Hearing God in Conversation.
After all, what did God save us for?
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It’s Only Stupid If
This is beautiful. Thanks for sharing!
Great article Sam. Thanks for sharing it. I’ve had a few moments like this in my life, and they are very rewarding and motivating. I’m sure there are many more similar moments that we never find out about. Reading your article motivates me to go back to those who have helped me and made a difference for me, and let them know about the positive impact of their life on mine!
Ted,
Great idea, to return to those who helped us, and to thank them.
Now, if only my dad were still alive!
Sam
As a father of three boys, and being one myself, this post was poignant. Thanks for reminding me to model “masculine and virtuous”– a rare combination in today’s world indeed! (But much needed!)
How inspiring! Thank you, Sam.
Thank you, Sam. We never know…or maybe sometimes we do and it’s a gift. I meet with a lot of people and often think it doesn’t count in a culture obsessed with productivity. Once in a while we see that connection counts.
Hi Sarah,
Love your line, “a culture obsessed with productivity.”
Yes, and then every once in a while, we get a glimpse of spiritual productivity, and we are humbled.
Thanks
Thanks Sam.
What a breath of fresh air!
May God grant you the grace to keep writing.
Heaven would be such a great place, where we discover all the amazing things God did through us here on earth.
It’s such an awesome give to live life knowing that Christ lives through us, and that one day we will know Him as we are known.
Hi Amy,
I’m in a season of seeing the value of God’s life living in me, and that all that of value that I do comes from him. I agree with you: it’s awesome and humbling.
Sam
I have also been embarrassed by friends I never suspected were truly influenced by my faith who have defended my character. We have a much greater impact than we think on others. You unknowingly filled the role he desperately needed from an absent father figure. This very likely kept him from buying into the idea that he was “born” to be un-masculine. What sweet fruit from a life lived right!
Hi Steve,
As I read your line, “we have greater impact that we think,” I realized (in a shock-wave): I suppose my impact can be in two directions, good or bad.
Oh God, save me (and others!) from my self-powered impact and increase YOUR impact in my life!
Thanks,
Sam
Thanks for this touching illustration that ‘just being friends’ is pretty important, all important, in the scheme of things.
This story rang a chord with me today. Mostly because as I ponder my mortality (I am fighting ovarian cancer), and struggle to accept that God’s answer may be “no,” I have also been thinking about what sort of fruit my own life is bearing. We have been living in tension between “we believe our God will rescue us” and “even if he doesn’t.” That does tend to focus one to live fully, to hasten to obey the Master’s direction, to refrain from participating in what is not best. To live intentionally, with my eyes so full of Jesus, that I am not aware of rest of it and can’t possibly take credit–that’s what I want.
Hi Jenny,
I am so sorry to hear of your struggle, and so inspired by your tension “we believe our God will rescue,” but “even if he doesn’t”!
I want what you want, but I suspect God is working his grace in you faster. May he increase in both of us.
Sam
???
And now I’m weeping too.
Excellent!
Misery loves company.
Sam