A couple of years ago, I shared a story of betrayal. I ended the article with a faint desire to forgive. But wanting to forgive doesn’t doesn’t supernaturally bestow it any more than wanting a beach vacation magically teleports us to Tahiti. It’s a start, an important start, but only a start.
Every desire to forgive is undermined by memories, recollections of the betrayal that relentlessly resurface with stunning clarity. With the vividness of slow-motion video, I recall a half-erased whiteboard, the buzz of a fly, and the shadows on the wall. A friend of mine remembers the jingle of an ice-cream truck and the smell of lilacs through the screen porch.
We want to forgive, but images flood our mind, and something in our soul recoils. We try to forgive and forget, but those memories scratch their way out of the holes we buried them in.
We want justice; somehow, in some form or fashion, we want payment. Like David, our heart cries, “Let death take them by surprise; let them go down to hell while still living” (Ps. 55:15).
Or as Freud said, “One must forgive one’s enemies: but preferably after they’ve been hanged.”
It twists our soul
Last week, I heard a podcaster interview a therapist. The therapist claimed that “un-forgiveness is a major contributor to heart disease,” and that “bitterness can kill us.” Unless forgiven, the evil inflicted on the outside begins to poison us on the inside.
On hearing the consequences of non-forgiveness, the podcaster responded, “I don’t want a stroke, so I’d better start forgiving. I’ll just let it go.”
But it’s not so simple. No magic wand will wave away the stain. To claim, “I’ll just let it go,” is like getting over stage-fright by saying, “I’ll stop being self-conscious.” It makes matters worse.
And it completely misunderstands forgiveness. Because someone DOES have to pay.
When we’ve been deeply wronged—not just an accidental slipup but a treacherous betrayal—we know there is a debt, a deep-seated sense of injustice. We can’t shrug it off, we can’t simply dismiss those memories in a momentary fancy of forgiveness.
When we remember the injury, we must choose between two paths. We can make the perpetrator pay (by finding little ways to make them suffer, poking pins in their memory, disparaging them to our friends, or snubbing them in our heart) … or we can forgive.
If we make the perpetrator pay, evil wins. The road to hell is not paved with good intentions, and not even with our betrayal of others. The road to hell is paved with our non-forgiveness.
So what does it mean to forgive?
Everyone thinks forgiving is a wonderful idea. Until they have something real to forgive. Because forgiveness means suffering. If we don’t make the offender pay (and somebody has to pay), it means we pay. Real forgiveness means we pay our betrayer’s debt.
It’s normal life. If I borrow your car and wreck it, then either I cough up cash for the repair or you pay for the repairs. The damage doesn’t disappear magically. Somebody pays. Or else you drive a wrecked car, which is just another form of you suffering for my mistake.
How do we pay? When we’re tempted to contemplate their cruelty, we stop (it costs us not to punish them in our thoughts). And when we have a chance to tell others of their betrayal, we shut up (we suffer while they enjoy a good reputation).
We also pray for their welfare, not punishment.
Of all Christian disciplines, this is the hardest. We first suffer the horrible wrong done to us, and then we pay their punishment for doing it. It’s double baked death. Compared to forgiveness, chastity, charity, and contentment seem like sipping lemonade on a summer’s evening.
Forgiveness also brings us closest to Christ. It is suffering, thorns, and nails. Because forgiveness means the evil done to us has been executed. As it was on the cross.
Because he paid when we betray him, as we do most every day.
Sam
Are We Chasing Trivial Pursuits?
Absolutely nothing can be written, and then taken into my heart, that is more a grace than this piece. Thank you Sam!
Hi Stan,
Thanks. Forgiveness is hard, but it begins to give me a feel for what Jesus did for me, and that makes it easier.
Thanks
I’m really glad you brought this up, and also that you didn’t insist that having a relationship with someone who seriously betrayed you is a necessary part of forgiving them. Forgiveness and reconciliation are different things, and I am thankful you didn’t combine them together. With forgiveness, I can do that even if the other person has died, it depends on my heart being constantly turned back to the truth that I betrayed God more than anyone else ever could betray me. Reconciliation though depends on the other person changing and becoming a person worthy of trust, and that is not something that you can make happen all on your own. It requires both parties I think. I wish you could speak to that in one of your blogs, with your usual insight and humor. Thanks Sam.
I agree with you Sarah. Staying in relationship with someone who has betrayed you is probably not a good idea. Forgiving them of course, is always good idea. Otherwise we stay locked in the “Dungeon of Despair and Unforgiveness” with them as long as we hold their sins against us, against them.
Now, I know that God is perfectly happy to stay in a relationship with us, even after we have betrayed Him, but then, we are not like God, are we? But wait… the Bible says we ARE “like God” we were “created in His image”. We have “the mind of Christ”.
So O.K., but in my experience it does take time to rebuild a relationship of deep trust with someone who has used that “deep trust” against you in the past.
In Hebrews 10:17 the writer says: God has forgiven us of our sins and inequities against Him and “I will remember them no more.” But until the final throes of Alzheimers may hit my brain, I probably will not forget what was done to me purposefully. Remember in Psalm 32:5 three words are used to connote offense against God: “Sin, transgression and inequity.’
Sins are of course forgivable and even forgettable. They were not necessarily done on purpose with the motivation to harm me. Sin is simply “missing the mark”.
Transgression on the other hand , is purposefully crossing a line or boundary you know is taking you to forbidden and very hurtful territory, with both yourself and the other parties involved. You may be truly sorry and choose to alter course as a result of this “Transgression”.
Finally “Inequity” signifies the choice where I have not only crossed the fence, I have purposefully chosen the wrong path and intend to follow it where it leads, I know the consequences, perhaps have even experienced those consequences, yet I STILL refuse to change my course and do what is right to continue our relationship. A person who is stuck in their inequity cannot be trusted until they are willing to step out of that path and return to what we would call “righteousness.” AMEN?
That is such a good point, Sarah! And one that I think is little understood by many Christians. Forgiving the dog that bit us doesn’t require us to get back into the kennel with it.
Hi Sarah,
I always love it when you share, and I always love what you say.
Yes, I agree forgiveness and reconciliation are different. I don’t want to put that other person is a place where they are tempted to do the same wrong again; giving them that temptation isn’t loving of me (and it is terrible for them).
The hard part is knowing when they have changed. I usually can’t trust myself to make that decision on my own. It’s one of the many reasons I need a few very close friends, friends who know my story and know my heart, and can give unbiased (or less-biased) counsel.
Thanks for your great addition to this discussion. I always value your advice.
Sam
i think this is the most wonderfull advise on forgiving really helped me back in the right path thank you
Thank you, and may God give you grace and peace.
This piece hits home, Sam. It’s deep and true and, thank God, anything but glib. Because forgiving a piercing injustice is anything but easy. I’ve often thought how Jesus’s prayer, “Father, forgive them,” didn’t remove the nails from his wrists and feet.
Forgiveness and grief are much the same journey, and while that journey begins in a moment of decision, it can take a long time to fully accomplish, with many a twist, turn, and setback. But it is the price we pay to experience “the fellowship of [Christ’s] suffering.”
Or as you put it, “Forgiveness also brings us closest to Christ. It is suffering, thorns, and nails. Because forgiveness means the evil done to us has been executed. As it was on the cross.” Yes, and amen.
Hi Bob,
Yes, thank you for adding that this forgiveness thing is a journey, sometimes a LONG journey, with twists, turns, and setbacks.
Thanks
So good Sam. Thank you
Thank you for this. It comes at just the right time. “Forgiveness also brings us closer to Christ. It is suffering thorns and nails.” From experience I can say, yes, it is suffering but it is also healing. The blog speaks truth. I wonder if you could expound also on the healing that God brings when we take on the suffering, the pain, that is required to walk in a spirit of forgiveness. When I feel I just cannot let it go and don’t feel I have the strength to surrender it to God – simply acknowledging this to God in prayer and asking for the grace to want to forgive-has been the first step for me.
Hi J,
I love your advice: “When I feel I just cannot let it go and don’t feel I have the strength to surrender it to God – simply acknowledging this to God in prayer and asking for the grace to want to forgive-has been the first step for me.”
Yes, absolutely. Like the man who says, “I believe, help my unbelief.” If the sin against us has been big, we can’t really forgive without the help of God (anymore than we can really have faith without his help).
I believe part of the healing we receive (when we forgive others) is the blessing of comradeship with Christ: he literally is in us helping us forgive, forgiving through us. We are growing in unity with Him.
Just finished reading, here in the U.K.
Very thankful for this beautifully written blessing.
Thanks!
I got invited to a discussion of this article by “The Noble Heart” but was unable to make it to the webinar this evening. After reading this article and your previous one “Betrayed” I am trying to understand the definition of forgiveness that this article is based on maybe there is another article or book you can point me to. Do we agree that the key principle for a definition of forgiveness begins with “God expects believers to forgive others in the way that he forgave them” (Matt. 6:12b, Eph. 4:32, Col. 3:13). Which leads to the questions “How does God forgive?” and also “What is the goal of God’s forgiveness?”
Hi Paul,
Forgiveness is when we no longer collect on the debt that is owed to us. So, yes, we forgive as Jesus did, which is to pay our debts for us.
And the “goal” of forgiveness? It is restoration … to the degree we can.
Thanks
I agree with most of your article, except that part that WE pay. I believe JESUS SUFFERED FOR ME. That He paid. I choose to be willing to forgive, asking Him to help me forgive, and I lay my suffering and pain, from the betrayal, at His feet. And He restores my soul. I’ve suffered two huge betrayals, and Jesus HAS indeed restored my soul. Yes, this WAS a process. I did it over and over, every time the memories and pain resurfaced trying to engulf me. The memories of the events rarely ever bring the emotions of pain and sorrow anymore. Jesus truly restored my soul. Oh what a Savior. ❤️
Hi Gerri,
Yes, Jesus did pay for our sins, and of course he paid for “their” sins as well. But God calls us to conform to the image of His Son, and part of that means we need to let go of our bitterness at being betrayed.
If you intentionally and maliciously ruined my reputation, I should forgive you. But that means every time I am tempted to gossip about you, I must not do so. And that hurts. Which means I am paying something. But, at the same time, we can only do it through the life of God in us; which is joyful.
Thanks
“But they tried to kill me Lord.” This was my tearful response when I heard this message before. To be betrayed by a group of people destroying your good works and livelihood is a terrible experience. Jesus knows this experience as well. It doesn’t change the prescription, one I needed to hear again (and again). Thank you for the reminder. I needed it.
Hi Don,
We all need to hear this, especially the writer!! I remember … and then I forget.
Thanks
Thank you for once again presenting a more biblical and more realistic perspective on an important subject.
A few years ago, I was in a movie theater watching “I Can Only Imagine” with a friend. Near the end of the movie, the Christian main character angrily says to his father, who abused him the entire time he was growing up and is now repenting, “Am I supposed to just forgive you?” He was being real. Authentic. Honest. Expressing his heart, not just tossing off the expected Christian response.
From a few rows behind me, I heard another audience member give an emphatic, “Yes,” showing no grasp of how we humans actually work.
God wants us to forgive as He forgave us (Colossians 3:13). But the truth is that such consistent, ongoing abuse—a particularly damaging form of betrayal—can take years to heal and to forgive. We are not God. We are broken and fallen. Our minds and souls are warped by the wounds inflicted on us by others. God doesn’t often heal those wounds instantaneously. (Adapted from my blog at https://thosewhoweep.blogspot.com/2018/09/make-believe.html.) And yet, because of Jesus’ sacrifice, there is hope.
I love the way you describe the process of our bearing the punishment for our betrayers’ wrongdoing, as He bore the much greater punishment for my wrongdoing. I don’t think I’ve ever heard it explained that way before. Thank you.
Ann
Hi Ann,
One of the things I love about your blog is your continued emphasis on “being real.” Too many of us modern believers focus on our bad idea of Christianity: “perfect” behavior. (UGH!)
When Job suffered, he tore his robes, screamed, and sat in ashes, and Scripture says, “In all this, Job sinned not.” (But what would our church say to someone who behaved like that? We’d probably say, “Tsk tsk, get a grip!” — very unbiblical.)
Thanks yet again Ann,
Sam
Thanks Sam:
That Our Father prayer Jesus taught us is wonderful in the beginning, but the part about forgiveness isn’t easy to deal with. Thanks for being clear that forgiveness is a chance to walk with Him – even on the road to Calvary. If He gave us the example, then we can do as He did and have faith it will bring us to new life and freedom. If we lose our life, we will be saved. Amen