I was small for my age. When I graduated from high school, I was 5 feet 7 inches and 120 pounds. (I added 2 inches and 25 pounds in the first two years of college.) In middle school, I was even smaller. When I was twelve, my younger (but taller) sister and a friend of hers began to chant, “Sam is short, shorty-pants, skinny-pants, dinky Sam!” And I slugged her.
My dad witnessed it. He never moved quicker in his life. He hustled me to his office as fast as a speeding bullet and sat me on a sofa. And then time slowed down. With surprising gentleness, he whispered, “Are you ashamed of yourself? You should be.”
And I was ashamed. Ever-so-much. He asked me what my shame felt like, and I said:
- I’m embarrassed that I’m so short and skinny;
- I’m mortified that I erupted in anger, and horrified that I hit someone younger than me;
- I’m humiliated that my sister’s friend saw me do it, and I’m scared because you did too;
- I feel stupid, weak, dirty, and ashamed.
My dad began to weep. I did too. My dad then told me that when Jesus was on the cross, he not only took our punishment, he took our shame. He said that the only way to rid ourselves of the sense of shame is to see Jesus absorbing into himself all the disgrace we’ve ever felt.
He asked me to pray each point of shame to God, and give it to him, as in, “Jesus, I’m embarrassed that I’m so small; did you take that on the cross? I feel stupid and dirty; did you absorb that too? I’m ashamed that I hit my sister; did you also receive that for me?”
It was the first time in my life I ever deeply worshiped God.
Agnostic Advice Will Fail Us
Shame is one of the more debilitating traumas experienced by humans. Over the last thirty years, the book industry has exploded with solutions to combat its self-destructive spiral.
And yet the epidemic of shame is exploding even faster. Ask any group of westerners if they feel much guilt in their lives, and you’ll see few raised hands. Ask them if they feel shame, and every hand will shoot skyward. Except those too ashamed to admit it.
Secular writers prescribe solutions to our shame: be self-compassionate, grab hold of self-esteem, practice positive thinking, and recast the stories we tell about ourselves.
Despite the rising tide of books and advice, we remain awash in shame. Why? It’s because these answers are agnostic—not anti-God but devoid of God—and shame is deeply spiritual.
Worship
Dan Allender said, “Shame is an excellent path to exposing … where we believe life can be found. It unearths the strategies we use to deal with a world that is not under our control.”
When I was twelve, I thought “life could be found” by being taller or stronger. After hitting my sister, I thought “life could be found” by being more self-controlled. In the absence of those life givers, I felt shame. Worship is what we ascribe ultimate value to; anything we turn to find life is the object of our worship.
In other words, I slogged my way into a swampland of shame through worship, and the only way out of my shame was to change my worship. Thomas Chalmers said it like this, “The only way to dispossess the heart of an old affection is by the expulsive power of a new one.”
Agnostic therapists advise, “Reject shame, just banish it, and practice self-compassion.” But that counsel doesn’t work. And it never will. Shame is essentially spiritual and so is its solution.
My dad advised, “Pray your shame to God, every sliver, each shard, and see Jesus absorb into his being all your humiliation, rejection, and inadequacy. See him soak up your shame until it’s gone.” Jesus prayed the psalms every day. He would have prayed this verse a thousand times:
Uphold me according to your promise, that I may live, and let me not be put to shame in my hope! (Psalm 119:116)
But Jesus was put to shame, even though he alone deserved none. He publicly infused our dishonor and nakedness, that we need never fear disgrace again. On the cross he cried to the Father, “Give to them that promise of Psalm 119, and give to me their shame.”
Sam
P. S. Many victims of trauma (especially sexual assault) feel shame for their past. But just as guilt can be true or false, so too shame can be true or false. Scripture is clear: we are not held responsible when we are sinned against. For some of us, it is enough to know we are not guilty for those assaults. But for others, we still feel their shame, and secular answers have failed.
Even in false shame, worship can be our greatest ally. Jesus took on himself our real shame (by absorbing into himself all our sense of dirtiness) but he also took our false shame (he was horribly mistreated by the very authorities who were supposed to protect people). He was lynched for his love for us.
What A Fool I Was!
You can’t imagine how timely this post was for me today. God bless you, Sam. Thanks so much for being faithful to his call on your life.
Isn’t it great how God is often speaking to us about the same thing?
Sam, You are right on. Satin is the author of shame. He put shame on Adam and Eve for the holy sexual intimacy that that God had designed them to enjoy. It is the physical equivalent to the intimacy that Christ has with His bride, the church. Ephesians 5:32This mystery [of two becoming one] is great; but I am speaking with reference to [the relationship of] Christ and the church.
And even worse a lot of cultural Christianity reinforces that shame by imputing shame to sex by refusing to discuss it or worse placing unbiblical sexual taboos on people both in private and in marriage.
Hi Bob,
Actually I am NOT saying that Satan is the author of shame. Sin is. When Adam and Eve sinned and covered themselves, God did not say, “Shame is wrong.” He covered them himself.
The idea that shame is wrong is a modern, worldly approach, not biblical. Even Mark Twain said, “Man is the only animal that blushes. And the only animal that needs to.” Until 50 years ago, everyone admitted that shame was a proper response in certain situations.
In fact, God reprimands people (and nations) all the time for their lack of shame:
There should be shame at some sexual acts, like the sexual oppressor SHOULD be ashamed of their deeds. God designed sex, so when done in accordance with his ways, there is no shame. But the world around us teaches we should do anything, anytime, and any way we want. And Scripture disagrees.
However, there is still hope for us in shame. It is worship in the heart of the true God, seeing him soak up all our shame, and then deciding to make him Lord (instead of the ways of the world).
Thanks for sharing.
Sam
I was sexually abused as boy and I lived in shame for years. It showed in my posture, I could not stand tall. The Lord in his mercy did set me free but it took many years and I still see the scars on my personality. I have to add with some regret that the “church” was of no help.
I am so sorry to hear of all you have suffered. It is unimaginable horror of sinful people who take advantage of young, unprotected kids.
Alas that the church was no help. We’ve been infected by the world, forgetting that God himself doesn’t hold us responsible for the sins others commit against us.
The church should be ashamed of itself. I’m happy you’ve found healing.
A word of appreciation, Sam. You consistently share refreshingly original, insightful, and smack-on-the-money perspectives on the Scriptures and the gospel of grace. I thank the Lord for the gift you are to the body of Christ and to me personally.
Bob,
Your encouragement over the years, and your help over the years, forms a debt I can never repay. But I am grateful, oh so grateful.
Sam
The feeling is so very mutual, Sam
Thanks, Sam.
Like Jeff, timely. Been thinking the shame aspects of Jesus’ life and ministry and the honor/shame Gospel but the idea of Jesus absorbing my particular shame is a new twist for me. I’d be interested to know how that might work on a daily basis. Maybe you can share those thoughts with me sometime soon ;-)?
Hi Thomas,
I’d love to share them. But first, I suggest you simply pray every single shameful thought to God, just as my father (and Father) taught me. Things like “I feel dirty, ashamed for doing ‘x’ and embarrassed for being ‘y'” Just pray those by expressing the feeling of shame. And then give them to God, and realize Jesus soaked up every bit of your shame–every final molecule–He absorbed it all on the cross.
Sam
Sam, that was an excellent message. Like you I was short and skinny. Although, you beat me in weight and height! (I never broke 100 lbs and 5’5″ until high school. I was terrified of girls. [But that changed once my body grew and the girls began to notice me]). I even weighed less than my wife when we were married. THAT was an issue for her to resolve. lol.
My friends used to say that if I stood sideways and stuck out my tongue, I looked like a zipper; or I walked like a pipe cleaner :-).
Thanks for commenting
Sam
Very encouraging. As a boy, I always felt different, less than. I love worshipping God, this reveals yet another reason why. “The only way to dispossess the heart of an old affection is by the expulsive power of a new one.”
Hi David,
I know you have a heart for worship, and this is a gift from God! (For you and for us.)
And I love how you grabbed onto that quote. I love it too.
Sam
I have read secular books which can help because one I read told me the message of shame. Guilt says you did something bad but shame says you are bad ! (Identifying yourself with what you do as who you are! ) I would be willing to picture Jesus taking it away but at the core of my belief if I believe I am bad then believing in agreement with shame which brings about this strong hold about, it remains! Hearing God himself speak to your own heart who you are because what he has done and him giving you a fresh picture of that by His Spirit is a way to walk free from this strong hold grip and I still believe God can work miraculously in so many different ways even the way mentioned above because he is so gracious and big! Thank you for sharing what you have shared, my whole life has been built in shame so I feel strongly about this topic and want to continue walking in the freedom of Christ! Some times it’s a knock down fight and takes others different amounts of time and intimacy with God to enjoy victory in this area! Blessings!